Diary of a Colonoscopy

When you turn 50, people start bugging you to get a colonoscopy.  My mother had colon cancer a few years ago so I was pestered even more.  Unfortunately I’m not always an organized, do-what-you’re-supposed-to-do kinda girl so I put it off for 4 years.  I know.  Not very smart…  But I finally had my colonoscopy this week and I discovered a few things people don’t tell you about the whole experience.  So I have taken it upon myself to share the whole inappropriate, slightly sarcastic truth with you.  I realize every person’s experience might be different, but here is my diary of a colonoscopy…

October 13

I had my consultation with the doctor.  He instructed me that the day before the procedure to stick to a restricted liquid diet and to start the prep at 5pm.  I questioned why so late?  He said, well most people just start when they get off work.  I said, but then aren’t they….uh…”prepping” all night long?  He said if I want to start earlier in the day I can.  I had no desire to be up all night in the bathroom so that was music to my ears.  The procedure was scheduled for the following Wednesday.

October 17

9:00am:   The instructions from the doctor said to prepare the magic potion first thing in the morning and put it in the refrigerator.  He said I can add my flavor of choice as long as it’s not red or purple…

Okay, fine.  That’s probably not what he had in mind…  I mixed a pitcher of crystal light lemonade and poured it into the GALLON jug I got from the pharmacy.  I put it in the fridge and tried to forget about it.

9:30am:  I was getting a little hungry so I consulted my list of approved things to eat.  I settled on a hearty cup of lime jello and made an important discovery.  I don’t like lime jello.

11:40am:  My brother sent me an email with this in it, suggesting I hang it on my front door.  He’s delightful.

12:30pm:  I was still a little full from that jello breakfast but it was lunch time so I drank a cup of chicken broth and for dessert I ate a cup of Minute Maid frozen lemonade.  Gosh, I’m stuffed.

12:45pm:  One more email from my brother with another attachment.  I need a new support system.

1:30pm:  I thought I would try orange jello to see if I like it any better.  I do!

3:15pm:  It’s go time.  I was going to start at 3:00 but it took me 15 minutes to build up the courage to drink that first glass of “lemonade”.  The doctor said to drink 8 oz every 20 minutes but the instructions on the side of the jug said 8 oz every 10 minutes and to drink it “rapidly”.  I compromised and decided I would drink about 16 oz every 20 minutes.   Here goes nothing……

Huh.  Okay, it’s not that bad!  It’s like a slightly-thicker-than-water, overly sweetened lemonade.  I can do this.

3:35pm:  Drank my second cup.  So far so good.

3:55pm:  Third cup down.  This is going to be so much easier than I thought it would be.

4:05pm:  Was that a little churn in my stomach?  Probably not.  It hasn’t even been an hour.

4:15pm:  Cup number four.  Starting to regret adding the crystal light.  Way too much fake-sweet taste!

4:20pm:  Okay, that really was a stomach churn!

4:25pm:  Wow.  A trip to the bathroom already?

Okay, it was nothing like I feared.  It was a very “normal” bathroom experience.  I’m a little relieved.  I didn’t know what to expect.

4:35pm:  My 5th cup.  I guess the positive side of this is that I’m getting very full and not noticing I haven’t really had anything to eat since last night.

4:55pm:  Time to drink again?  Didn’t I just drink the 5th cup?  Is this stuff getting thicker?

5:00pm:  Huh…I wasn’t expecting cramping.

5:10pm:  Oh my!  Glad I’m close to the bathroom.

5:11pm:  OMG!  I guess “normal” has left the building.  This is more like a pressure washer!

5:15pm:  I don’t think I’ll ever drink lemonade again.  This is getting really gross but I’m almost done.  This is the 7th cup so according to my calculations there should only be one more after this.

5:35pm:  Wait!  I just poured my 8th cup.  Why is there still some in the jug?  I should be done!  Is this stuff multiplying or was my cup less than 16 oz??  Oh God.

5:40pm:  Back to the bathroom.  Yeah, normal is a distant memory.  So is solid matter.

5:55pm:  So really, how important is it to drink ALL of this crap?!  I can’t!  I poured the remaining goo into a glass but I just can’t do it.  I will throw up, I know it.

6:30pm:  Maybe if I drink something besides that godawful concoction I’ll feel better.  I’ll have another cup of chicken broth.

6:50pm:  Okay, fine.  I’ll try.  It’s been almost an hour since my last drink and I’m so close to getting it all down.

6:52pm:  I got half of it down.  I can’t do any more!!!

7:20pm:  Done!  I finished it all!  Yea for me!

7:30pm:  That’s odd…I haven’t pooped in awhile.  Am I done?  Was that it?

7:45pm:   Ooohhhh no, that was not it.  I should just bring a book with me next time.

And now I totally understand the second picture my brother sent me…  It may feel like you have a little gas.  Do not be fooled!  This is not a drill!  Get to the bathroom.  It is not gas!

7:55pm:  I have nothing left to give!!

9:40pm:  Mother of God, make it stop!

Fast forward to midnight…  The scale had better show a substantial loss in the morning!  One last trip to the bathroom and then I’m going to sleep.

October 18

3:00am:   Really?  There can’t possibly be anything left in there!

9:00am:  How am I possibly not done??  Is there stuff backed up in there from the 70’s?

10:00am:  Made it to the outpatient clinic and one more trip to the bathroom.  It has tapered off to hardly anything, but I was expecting no more events after prep night!

10:30am:  Just met the nice anesthesiologist who’s going to provide the drugs.

10:45am:  The doctor came in and asked me to lay on my side, one leg in front of the other.  That answered my unasked question on what his view will be…

10:55am:  The nurse said it’s time for my nap.

Twenty seconds later:  Zzzzzz

11:30am:  All done.  The doctor came in and said everything went well.  They didn’t find anything.  Great, now I don’t have to do another one for 10 years?!  Nope.  He informed me I’m on the 5 year plan.  When they don’t find polyps you typically get to wait 10 years for your next colonoscopy but if you have an immediate family member who’s had colon cancer you need to be screened every 5 years.  Thanks, mom!!

11:32am:  I passed gas in front of the nurse.  Not my proudest moment.  She said that’s actually a good thing.  Miss Manners probably wouldn’t agree.

11:40am:  Seriously?  I have to go the bathroom again?  Granted it was mostly gas…but still!

11:45am:  I was told I’d wake up completely alert and feeling great.  I do feel great…but it’s because it feels like I’ve had a couple of glasses of wine.

12:00pm:  The wine buzz is gone.  Oh yea!  Finally some food!

What?  I need to go to the bathroom at the restaurant…..3 times!?  Okay it ended up being mostly gas, but come on!

Fast forward to 9pm:  Several more trips to the bathroom and lots of gas expulsion but I’m relieved to say that the colonoscopy is behind me.  No pun intended….

If I had to rate this among personal unpleasant experiences I would rank it somewhere between the root canal where I threw up on my dentist after receiving nitrous oxide and falling down my stairs last year and breaking my foot in 10 places.

But if I had it to do all over again would I change anything?  Not really, except I might not add additional flavor to the prep liquid.  It will be awhile before a glass of lemonade sounds good to me…

I am the last person who could lecture someone on the need to schedule their colonoscopy so no lecture here.  I just wanted to give you an idea of what your first one might be like.  Is it horrible?  Not at all.  Is it pleasant?  Not at all.  It’s just an inconvenient but necessary evil and one day (or maybe a day and a half) out of your life.

I hope you enjoyed my diary of a colonoscopy.

Happy tinkering,

Susan